Sometimes when things unravel you find that there is nothing there.
Other times you find what you've been looking for, buried in the pulled yarn.
Then there are the times when you stand among the strands, you only begin to realize what it s you are looking for in the first place.
Things unraveled a bit on Saturday during a very lovely trail ride. There's an absolutely gorgeous trail over streams and through the woods around our stable that I never knew existed. Adam and I joined a couple who have boarded a bit longer for the ride. They knew the way around so we were pretty excited to check it out.
I took a few pictures, none very good, but here's one:
Cibolo was the youngest horse on the four horse trip and 90% of things went just fine. But I could feel the unraveling in him, just a tiny thread at first. He wanted to dictate where to ride. Wanted to stay up and trot without permission. Tossed a few crow hops. All of which was corrected, of course, but it was tiresome.
Then on our way back he stepped in a hole or something and hopped sideways a few times, a little freaked. It felt like a buck might be coming, but I kept his head up. He was wired after that and at one point I got off because I felt him escalating and knew getting across this one tricky part was not good in his current state. I got off and lead him across.
It was the smartest thing I could have done. When I got back on he was re-engaged, sort of like that let him (and me) chill for a second and catch our breath. Did another crow hop or two a mile later, and at that point I was just irritated. We rode back to the barn and I put him up.
Then we came home and I ate asadero and french bread. I have a pretty strict diet with no cheese and no bread at all. So this was some serious comfort food for me. I could write poetry about asadero, but I'll spare you (I blame Licon Dairy in San Elizario for my addiction. They make the best asadero in the universe).
When we went back on Sunday, Adam rode him and Sierra rode Lily. I hung out with Mireya since our pony trip fell through. (I want to take her to meet ponies, she was very excited, but the place I planned on going to is having some sort of "family issues")
I had no desire to see my horse, let alone ride. I observed Lily had started to give me attitude too (which I solved by pushing back a bit). Adam had cantered on Cibolo - something I've only been able to do a few times. All I wanted to do was go home.
I woke up in the middle of the night Monday, just lost. This is still no fun, hasn't been since Conception. I couldn't sleep for hours. I felt the anxiety that I had when I even contemplated the barn, riding.
I thought back, remembered with Canyon how I loved just going to the stables and working in the round pen.
I'd spend hours alone with him in the round pen, doing very simple things. I could trot and canter bareback. I wasn't afraid to canter on him in an arena or in the round pen, his issues always were related to other horses or horse eating animals in the woods (of which there were many).
I loved being alone with my horse. I came home relaxed and willing to give everything (as is required of a working mom) to everyone else.
Now I was coming home discouraged, angry, and tired. Instead of a break, this horse time has been more of an additional burden, another insistent chore that is never, ever done.
And honestly Cibolo's issues are minor.
But mine aren't. I may be regaining respect, but something inside is unraveled, and I wasn't even sure what it revealed. But my horses could see it. Because horses don't do white lies and half truths. They are always honest in their assessment and my pushy behavior wasn't really resolving the real issue.
This is getting too long - I'll write more tomorrow about what we did today and why... And visit some blogs. I've missed everybody!