My new favorite horse and rider picture

Taken by my daughter

Responding to the Alpha - and life update

You know he's kind of a brat when you're not around.

Stephanie was over for dinner with Ryan, and we were talking about horses, as we love to do.

She was talking about Smokey. Smokey is that horse in the barn that is endearing, like an adorable child and can act like one that gets away with everything when at Grandma's house. With me he's not allowed to barge past to eat. Not allowed to do head tossing and twisting as I'm coming down to feed. In fact every horse is to enter quietly, I don't care how hungry they are or how late I am. If not they are last to eat.

No horses chase one another when I come to feed. It made me think about Smokey and how far we've come. I'm a bit down because there simply isn't time right now, not with everything going on, to do what I need to do with my horses. They need to travel, they need to go on trails, they need to be worked more than on Saturday.

Not gonna happen, not for a while.

But knowing my horse behaves well around me somehow made me feel like I'm doing something right in this one little corner of my crazy life.



And it's been crazy. Sierra's vertigo is back. She can't walk unless she closes her eyes, and is restricted to a wheel chair at home. She's missed the first two weeks of school with no end in sight. I finally have an appointment with a specialist on Wednesday (I was going to have to wait two more weeks).

Everything we've tried has failed. Physical therapy. Doctor won't give her any more steroids since it was only a temporary fix.


They want to do an MRI. And the MRI folks would like $$$, even with great insurance.

And don't forget we have her heart test coming up, now scheduled for the 31st.



And then there is the school. I've been keeping them informed and once I realized this new bout of vertigo wasn't going to go away I asked them for options. They needed a note from the doctor to invoke "section 504."

Doctor said "I don't have a diagnosis, you'll have to talk to the specialist."

At that point I couldn't get in with a specialist until the 30th (I have since called a different specialist).

Which means Sierra would fall so behind she might be forced to repeat the year.

Presuming she'll be walking again at some point.



I made an appointment with the doctor (having had all the communication funneled through his assistant). I hoped in person I could plead our case, he could write a note, I could get some help for Sierra for school at least.

He saw how bad she is, which is:

• She can't walk.
• She can't be exposed to loud sounds. Even your normal talking voice seems loud.
• She can't stand.
• She can't be in a place where there is a great deal of movement.

He gave me the note. I dropped her at Grammy's and took the note to the school. They said it was the wrong kind of note.

I lost it.

....

They've since got what they need, I go in on Tuesday to sign paperwork so she can do online learning.





My only horse time is feeding the horses. These pictures were from Christmas, when Sierra was walking. Before the symptoms came creeping back.

But if all I can do is feed, I'll be damned if horses are going to try to run around me like maniacs. There I have some control. There the world doesn't spin and dive, the ground doesn't shift. There the world runs without red tape, without weeks between appointments, with the simple logic of motion, feed, and the soft nuzzle of a horse looking for a cookie.

And on Friday our car broke down.

I'm really, really tired.

Cold wind

The welcome rain finally ushered in the cold, something we have been waiting for for several weeks. It's still been air conditioning weather here, something I've not experienced this deep into November.

But as they say, be careful what you wish for.

It was my day to feed horses on Saturday morning and the rain poured down steadily. I sloughed through the paddocks, struggled with wet hay. Lily, who eats outside in the paddock instead of coming in a run gave me that look. The don't you dare leave me out here in the rain look.

I brought her in for some relief from the weather and she and Smokey shared the run and some hay while I finished my work. When I set them all back out and got in my truck the rain slowed down

I really appreciate these little tests of my sense of humor. I don't always pass them, but I do appreciate the considerable planning that goes into them.

Sunday brought wind, the kind of wind that sets the trees to wild dancing, leaves twirling as they fly off like sweat from a tango dancer's forehead.

I arrived early to ride before feeding again, and Smokey and I agreed that the bitter wind called for arena time. I demonstrated all the scary things he needed to know about like the banging door and falling chair. He was greatly concerned but managed to hold it together. I'd call it progress, but mostly it was nice to see him giving me the benefit of the doubt.

We kept it short - remember, we don't really have the gear for this kind of weather, so bitter cold dives right through my paltry defenses. I hate cold. I don't live in Texas because I have an affection for cold, but the cold comes anyway. And if Smokey's massive winter coat is any indication, it's going to be brutal season around here.

We managed to improve his side pass, we will see if it sticks. Also he is responding better to canter cues. Lots more to do, particularly on canters, but I'm taking time. Maybe to much, but really, what am I getting ready for?

I'm not sure we will do the christmas parade, mostly because with sierra's situation I don't know that I have it in me to do the prep needed. I think he might do fine, but at this point worry about horse antics is way down my list of things I'm willing to deal with.

So another excuse to take my time. But I really don't have goals right now, other than enjoying my horses. With them it's quiet, simple, focused, and in the moment. It's the greatest gift I can have right now, when challenges just seem to mount over and over. In time they will all resolve, as they do,and the respites will give me strength.

Even in the rain and cold.

Two photos

I wanted to take a picture of Smokey and I, just standing around. I didn't want to pull his face to me, because I felt a nice closeness, a nice peacefulness that I wanted to capture. Even though it's not a flattering photo of me, I thought I'd post it...


Then he leaned into me. Then I knew I'd post it. Happy Labor Day!

Shoulder improves, riding through Smokey's antic

Lily's shoulder seems better - after her pitchy episode I noted her shoulder was out and it seemed reasonable that it could be causing her to be so off balance (although lord knows I need to work on three things at least).

So I did my best Jr. Chiro Adjustment that I was taught. I don't have the strength to do it right, or the right technique, but she licked and chewed afterwards, so I crossed my fingers. She had four days off and I came out to ride early.

Her attitude was noticeably better, and we headed to the round pen. I wanted her to run on some soft sand so I could see how she felt. Sure enough she did some out of character neck/head snaking, but after one rotation I could see that she was getting more comfortable. After five or six more turns there was no more twisting on her part, her transition was fluid. The joint, I think, was warmed up.

I think this is what she needs, every time. And I need to keep an eye on her shoulder.

We rode in the round pen, cantering smoothly. I worked on keeping my arms quiet, my legs in a better position and mostly relaxing into the ride. It was a good session for both of us. I didn't drive her with my seat, but tried to move with her rhythm. I'll try to video it tomorrow, or maybe Sunday.

We worked also on side passing to the gate which is a mess. But I think we made progress. We'll keep working it.

............

Smokey was very funny today. One thing I like about this horse is his curiosity. I'm looking forward to exposing him to more things so he can explore the world a bit more - poor thing, it's been so hot and I've been so budget conscious and trail worried that we haven't made any trips this summer. I could get somewhere early enough to ride, but then the trailer ride home it'll be over 100.

I think realistically my next step is trailering to another arena. I'm trying to be rational about where I'm willing to go right now. Frankly, I'm having fun riding again, and while I need to do more, I'm reveling in the fun at this point. And an arena seems like a good option.

I was getting Lily ready for cooling off after our ride and he poked his head in the tack room. A stack of magazines was just in reach. He grabbed one and started lipping through it. Apparently he found it boring, and tossed it on the floor.

Our ride in the round pen was one part perfect, and one part "I don wanna!"

His weak canter is clockwise, and I find I have to have a serious conversation at some point in that canter. Sometimes it's better than others, today we had to head off a cow kick and a turn to the center. And then, as if he reached some sort of inner conclusion, we rode on, in a perfect canter circle. Clockwise.

..............

It was a morning I wanted to hold on to, I wanted to take the rest of the day off and not let go of my horses. Even though we didn't accomplish some big thing, we didn't conquer any major obstacle or win any trophy. I wanted it to go on and on.

There isn't enough time. There isn't enough time in my life for these horses (nor money, but sometimes I can believe that's a minor concern).

But I make the best of the moments I've got. I wrap them in a silk ribbon and wear them around my neck, letting the warmth, the softness, the smooth flow of memory sink deep inside and remind me of how precious it all is.

All of it.

Last Weekend of Summer - 3 horse days...

It was the last official weekend of Summer (granted 100 degree days are expected for several more weeks - but insofar as the school calendar is concerned, this is it).

I had three straight days of horse time squeezed in before school shopping marathons. Friday was the usual "I have no idea what you're talking about. What's a canter?" and "Hi everybody! I'm walking by! Yoo hoo!"

Really? REALLY? Do we have ta?

Saturday was a chance to share horse time with my good friend and writing buddy Kimber (from Fragrant Liar, very funny blog) who rode Cody the Wonder Horse.

I'm not sure who was happier.

Smokey decided turns were purely optional at the canter, and we had some close encounters with the fence line. I have to remind myself that there was a time I couldn't turn him at the trot. So we are getting there. He did, however, insist on some photos (seriously, he mugged for the camera/iphone).

This is my good side, mom.

And shared his views on helmets - they should be worn, even if it's just the liner.


On Sunday Sierra joined me at the barn, she on Cody the Wonder Horse, me on Lily and Smokey. Lily did some crow hopping at the canter, but I suspect it was because of how I was sitting. Once I sat deeper for the departure, she did great. Does that make sense? I have a video I'll be posting tomorrow of our canter time.

Smokey, on the other hoof, demonstrated his ability to turn at the canter - in the round pen. But it was our best round pen cantering, so I considered it progress.


We took some time to do the trails together along with Janice and her arabian mare Lucy. Lily did well, Smokey was so-so. Wish there were more cool hours in the day...

Simple pleasure

Thursday I was in need of horse time. But I'm still not eager to take Smokey out on long alone rides, and I knew I was mentally exhausted, so I didn't want to do any real training.

I just wanted to be with my horse.

The horses were in the process of getting fed, were done with grain but jonesing for their hay. I filled a bag with hay and hung it in the alley so I could brush Smokey and he could eat.

When I first came to this barn I didn't get the "hang a bag of hay in front of your horse while you tack." I was really against it because it seemed the horses were very distracted. But then I realized that with an endurance rider its all about shoving calories down those horses and you want them to eat. I still have certain expectations of behavior when I tack up and I will occasionally remove the bags, especially if the kids are around.

And you know, they are just fine, hay or no hay bag. They don't revert to really bad behavior of squirting around without hay. And while they are a bit distracted with the hay bag, they know when you're serious and it doesn't take a whole lot to convey that.

Anyway, Smokey was eating and I was brushing and it seemed like the saddle and blanket were even more than I wanted to deal with.

Does this happen to you? Do you go through times where the simplest thing seems far too intense and burdensome?

I grabbed the reins and headed over to the round pen. Smokey was very good on the ground. We did a little testing in the round pen. He was already latched on. So, I rode him in the round pen bareback.

I'm not a confident bareback rider and missed the security of my saddle. He sensed this and was a little all over. I got down, put on my helmet (which I'd forgotten to put on), and tried again. Much better. I relaxed and he was still a little forward. I decided all we were going to do was work on brakes. Sometimes Smokey takes about 5 minutes to get his power brakes on (it's all ABS before then). And his reward would be the minute he have me a nice soft stop I'd get down. we probably worked on it 6 or 7 times, and there it was.

I slid off. I saw that sink in as I took off the reins. Then I sat in the middle of the round pen and sent him off - not to work, just to wander. At first he looked at me, waiting. I changed my posture, "releasing" him.

I wanted to do what I never do. I wanted to sit there and just be there. Soon enough he wandered the round pen, nibbling on a few shoots that had shot up from the rain. He took off spontaneously at a trot. He sniffed different parts of the ground, unraveling what mysteries were buried there. Horses who had run in the pen, working, focusing. Rabbits wandering in for a bite of something different. Dogs who rolled in that spot, then ran off for adventure, possibly involving the aforementioned rabbit.

He hung out at the gate, then wandered toward me. He came up to my left shoulder from just behind me and gave me a few good sniffs. I acknowledged him and he left for more wandering. Then, after a bit, it was time to go. I kissed to him, he came over and we walked together to get his halter.

It was a good time, the kind that makes you think you can get through another day.

As long as you can work some horse time into it.

Headset, schmedset; Mireya and Cody in love; Sierra cantering like a wild child

Okay, here's how things are:

Jill is right. What the heck am I worrying about?

I mean, I know where all this "worry" stems from. I've had two bad experiences. But those experiences had nothing to do with headset. They had to do with:
A. horse too bucky for me to fix,
B. Leadership on a testy horse.

I'm understandably concerned since now I'm on a young horse, which was never the plan.

And yet, I get the feeling that this is remarkable the right horse - he's gentle enough that I don't worry, yet he requires me to know what the heck I'm doing because otherwise he's going to go all over the place.

And he does test, but like a toddler, really. Well within my capability to handle.

At this point, Smokey and I have two things to really accomplish over the next few months: leadership and miles.

Plus I have one thing I need to learn - better and more consistency in my three aids.

So that will be my focus. And if I feel it fading at any point, I'll call on D to help me fix it quick.

Next lesson will be coming in a few weeks (back to school killed the budget around here). I'm working on reins and legs and the combination of both, and based on our efforts in the arena today, I'd say we were making it happen. Every ride we start pretty catty wumpus, but within 10 minutes we have it all sorted out. I know it's me, I'm still getting my hands together, but there's a little of a "really? Can't we just go stand in the shade?" from Smokey too.

Anywho, today, after watching way too many Chris Irwin videos at State Line Tack, I got Smokey into a canter - with ONLY my seat!

Seriously! I wanted to high five someone. Instead I stopped my horse (with an exhale, no less) tossed my reins and gave him the biggest neck hug ever. He seemed darn glad we got that sorted out. Then we walked it out, quite pleased with ourselves.

----


Mireya is in serious love with Cody. She wants to ride him forever and ever. Remember, this is the kid that had a huge meltdown less than a month ago when she was just SITTING on him. Today she had reins and after a lesson on rein basics (which I'm still learning myself - so much of motherhood is that way, isn't it?), we headed out into the drive way area.

"This is kind of like a trail ride, right Mommy?" she asked me, beaming from atop "her" horse.

"Absolutely," I said, holding Cody's green lead rope. "Now slide your hand down the rein and gently pull to your pocket."

She did. He turned. She lit up the entire sky over Texas with happiness.


-------

Sierra is back to cantering on Lily. That horse loves that kid. I wish you could see how Lily acts with her. She bits up best with Sierra - the rest of us have to cajole. She's stopped doing the rushing canter (no doubt a combo of light requests and just getting in shape).

Sierra sits beautifully and I think of the lessons she's had. She's a natural athlete (which she got from her dad), but those lessons gave her a great foundation.

I gotta get me some of those lessons. :)



Hope your weekend was equine filled...

Running off an Attitude

Today I went to the barn with one thing in mind.

Working the attitude off my horse.

Thus far my experience with Cibolo is that he only works appropriately if I am very strong. I think of it as a sort of military type of toughness. Fair, but a level of intolerance with any variance. Intolerance that is met with immediately and with great intensity.

I came to the barn and he was in his stall, finishing up eating. He turned away from me along with his stall mate - expecting to be turned out.

But you don't turn your butt to me.

I tossed a rock at his butt and he was startled. He turned back around. I continued gathering my things. Then I went in to get him. He headed for the other gate.

Wrong answer. I whirled the rope around, snapping it on the ground. He dashed around for a second, dancing around, then turned to face me.

I put on his halter and took him out.

....

I believe I've finally figured out what it is that makes this such a problem for me. I find it tough to bond with a horse where I have to be this way. I have never regained the sense of bond I had with Cibolo way back in the beginning. I can get respect, I can get appropriate behavior. But I can't get partnership.

And at the end, after a session of being tough like that, I don't feel good, don't feel like I accomplished anything, even if everything went right in that he did what I told him to do. Instead I feel residual tight intensity, as if I've had to ride herd (an ironic statement if there ever was one) on a room of irritable teenagers and my neck is still tight.

...

We worked on gaits in the round pen. I only asked once, then I got intense the second time. He finally got it down, dripping with sweat. We both were.

After 45 minutes this morning he tossed a shoe, killing our plan to ride. I put him up after that, loaded with hay and some alfalfa. I need to get more weight on him.

...

My new test if I have him in the right space is trailer loading. Today, after his run around the round pen he loaded immediately, and no longer balking one iota.

Because I'm all over him like horse flies on sweaty flanks.

....

Maybe I am no good at this. Maybe I don't get that you can be strong like this without feeling like a jerk. I've tried to find that flat space, where the energy is intense but the anger isn't there. But he doesn't respond to that. Or somehow, the way I'm doing it is signaling a level of weakness that makes him feel insecure.

So I'm going to stick to being a witch, because I'd like to be safe and I can only be safe if he has a certain level of respect gained from my witchy attitude. I want to ride him, work on collection, and I can only do that with him in a 100% listening mode. And I can only seem to get this "snap to attention" and "yes ma'am" attitude with this witchy mood. And, as time has taught me, I have to be that way, all the time.

....

I can't imagine this is what I'm supposed to be getting from my horse time. But I'm out of ideas. I'm just going to demand the behavior I expect. I'm not going to trust he's capable of maintaining appropriate behavior if I don't get after him every single time. I'm going to ask, then I'm going to demand harshly until any time I ask, there's no question. I want softness, but I'm a million miles away from understanding how to get it with this horse.

And I'm not going to expect that to change anymore.

Because it won't.



I just don't know that it'll be "fun"

Mud and meeting

We went out to the barn yesterday. It's been raining for days, so I can't really walk around most of the fields at the barn. But I needed some horse time, things remain pretty stressful in life right now.

Because of the layout and the deep mud in the paddock where Cibolo runs, I could only stand at the gate and hope he would come over.

He was close to the gate, off to one side. QH Amigo ambled over to see me - he's alpha and greets everyone. Then he walked over to Cibolo and nudged him away since he doesn't like it when we pay attention to the other horses, then QH Amigo came back to me.

Great.

Cibolo looked at me. I called him over. He stood in place, lifted his tail, and after he was done, he walked over to me, daring a rebuke from Amigo - who knows better when I'm right there.

Cibolo dropped his head into his halter and we stepped out. Together.

Horse time

What is it about horse time? I love to be with other riders, love to be on a big trail ride, but I embrace love those moments when I'm completely alone with a horse.

I think it's because most of my life I'm multi tasking. If I don't have to be doing multiple things, I can stop from thinking on multiple tracks.

But that disappears when I'm in horse time. I am present, only present. Everything outside the circle recedes, sounds get muted, my thoughts streamline.

It's a ridiculous luxury in this world, an extravagance of time and place and spirit. For hours afterwards the joy of the indulgence lingers and I count the time until it'll be horse time again.

I'm beginning, slowly, to bring the lessons of horse time into my time. But I still have these things to learn:

1. Ease back on the self imposed pressure. Take it easy on yourself.
2. Be here, now. With kids, with my loving husband, with my work. Stop thinking ahead at the cost of this moment. And stop rehashing the past.
3. Let go. The lesson is in the release.
4. Respect is earned everyday and easily lost.

For the next few weeks I'm going to try to take each one of these lessons one at a time and find a way to bring horse time into my life.

Wish me luck.

Canyon, contemplating the empty hay rack in a very zen sort of way. With that hay belly, all you should do is contemplate, little buddha...